You never forget...

1st time in Bible class

1st Halloween

Playing with toys

waiting to go home

getting to wear clothes again

After surgery #?

A Visit from sisters....Priceless!

No one forgets where they were on day such as 9-11-01 or on the day your child was born. It seems like yesterday that you can remember exactly where you were, what you were doing at that exact time, and the emotions that ran through your body.

As I sit here right now, memories from a year ago are flooding in. I can't help to remember what I was doing. I was sitting in the hospital room with Gracie, Micha, my parents, and sisters holding my baby girl for what I knew was going to be her last night on this earth. Everyone was so supportive and coming to tell Gracie goodbye on this earth. Gracie was hooked up to so many machines that if I didn't hold her right, the ventilator she was on would start beeping. I remember bringing the girls to the hospital to let them see their sister for the last time "alive." That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I remember bringing them home and putting them to bed, going into Gracie's room and sitting on the floor balling my eyes out and asking God why, knowing it would be the last time I was in there for a while, and then returning to the hospital until 4am just so I could give Gracie her last bath and soak up every last second with her.

Yes, I am absolutely sad and can't stop crying for the fact that I can not hold my baby's hand or stroke her hair, or that she will never grow up to walk, date, or get married and have her own kids. I would love to have a healthy Gracie right now that is able to do all of those things, but that is just me being selfish. I know in my heart that Gracie is so much better off than any of us on this earth. She IS healthy and whole again and she IS able to be a little girl.

When I reflect over her short life and think about Heaven, I get goose bumps all over. I can not imagine what she is doing right now and how better off she is. I don't worry about where she is, I worry about me not being able to get there. I don't know if you grow in Heaven or if you are frozen in time. Right now I just picture her playing with other children in the clouds and having the chance to be rocked by her great grandparents. I may be totally off on that. As a parent, you don't want to see your child suffer through anything. Gracie endured more than I have as an adult and she is one of my greatest heroes for that. I had to hand her over to doctors more times than I would like to count, not knowing how long it was going to be before I saw her again or if it was going to be the last time, but she was the happiest and most loving child I know. If you didn't know Gracie's story, you probably couldn't tell by pictures how sick she was.

I think about how Gracie has shown faith to Callie and Kadee. Kadee still says she sleeps in Gracie's room and that Gracie sleeps with her. Callie is in the process of starting her own memory video diary so that she can keep all her memories of Gracie and tell her kids someday about their aunt. The innocence of a child and their loving, caring hearts show through so much. Every night when we say prayers, the girls always talk to God and thank them for making Gracie well.

Even though I will miss my baby girl each and every day on this earth, I know she is in a much better place than we are right now. I know she is whole and healthy and I WILL see her again in Heaven.

Gracie is one of my greatest gifts on this earth and I will treasure that forever. My sweet little angel would be 27 months now, but she will always be the baby that I held a year ago in my arms.

I love you Gracie!